by Jessica Jones

The past few months have been emotionally draining as our fertility journey continues. Unfortunately, our first two IUI cycles were unsuccessful, despite everything looking optimal. We are now embarking on our third and final cycle. After much deliberation, we’ve decided not to pursue IVF— the IUI process alone has been incredibly taxing on our schedules, especially with our son's needs. Additionally, our insurance does not cover IVF, and the financial burden is simply too high for us to handle out of pocket.

I’m trying to hold on to hope, but deep down, I don’t feel optimistic about this cycle. It’s difficult when the ability to grow your family feels out of your control. While we are beyond grateful for our son, I often find myself thinking about the family we envisioned—two or three children. The realization that this may not happen is painful.

We are still young—I’m only 30, and my husband is 33—so there’s a chance we could continue to try naturally over the coming years. But the stress and emotional toll of this journey is immense.

Our son’s autism diagnosis, his non-verbal status, and the uncertainty of his future weigh heavily on us. While I don’t believe anyone should have more children solely to care for a child with additional needs in the future, it’s hard not to wonder what it would be like for him to have a sibling. Someone who truly understands him and could look out for him when we’re no longer here.

Adoption is a possibility. My husband is open to it, but I’m unsure. As an autistic person myself, I wonder if I could connect with an adopted child in the same way I do with my son. That said, feelings can change over time, and maybe mine will too. For now, though, we’re taking things one day at a time.

That said, aside from the challenges of infertility and the uncertainty of our son’s diagnosis, we are all doing well. Our son loves his school, his peers, and teachers, and he’s genuinely excited to go each day. He’s made great progress in occupational therapy (feeding therapy for sensory aversions), adding a few new foods to his diet, which is amazing! He also seems to really click with his new speech-language pathologist (SLP), and I’m eager to see what this year brings for him developmentally. Since his adenoidectomy and PE tube placement, we’ve noticed he seems more able to focus and follow directions—at least when he chooses to, of course!

I know I’ve not been posting much lately. I used to write once or twice a week and put up several reviews, but life has been overwhelming. I’m still reading quite a bit as an escape, but I just haven’t had the time for writing. Our son now has private speech and occupational therapy every week, and school started again at the end of August, running until May. It’s a 45-minute commute each way, so I usually work from coffee shops during that time to save on gas. Friday is the only day I don’t have to leave the house, but I typically do a grocery pickup so that on Saturday, I can stay home, relax, and catch up on housework.

Honestly, I don’t know how writers who have kids and full-time jobs manage to find the time. I can catch pockets of time here and there, but nothing consistently enough to really achieve my goals. It feels like I either have time to write or to read, but not both. And to be honest, I’m so mentally exhausted most days that I don’t always feel creative. My writing has been inconsistent. Earlier this year, I was making good progress on one of my projects, but this summer threw me off completely with all the appointments at Shady Grove and Kennedy Krieger.

I haven’t given up on my dreams, but for now, they’re not the most important thing. My son needs and deserves my full attention, and that’s what I plan to give him. I’ll still be reading and writing reviews, but it may not be as consistent as it once was. I’m sure there will be stretches where I can keep a better pace—our lives tend to slow down a bit in the dead of winter. Until then, though, I feel like I’ll be in survival mode until after the holidays, when the travel and chaos settle down. I won’t be hitting my Agatha Christie reading goal this year, but that’s okay. We’ll just pick up where we left off next year.

As Taylor Swift said:

“I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday every day” & “I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art.”

And I felt that.

Thank you all for sticking around.

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